Anthem of Memoirs

I lost afterall..

我的生命就如烟。

Pushed to the very edge, with no where else to go. Probably left with just a jump, which I can take to close my eyes forever.

On the brink of depression, already in a state of desperation. All torn up inside, I really need the strength now, to give in all I have got. For just a cheerful smile, in exchange to do away with all the tears I can ever shed. Please.

So unfair that time can just slip away from us like that. A 24 hour window given to me to probably rejoice. So unfair that events can twist just without prior notice. So unfair that this world is so unfair. I have probably learnt not to ask why there is a why for each of this factors, answers will never come. This day, marked forever in the rest of my life, definitely, is going to change. Yes, without prior notice, twisted, for the rest of my life on this day. Goddamn bloody fucking depressed, that’s only an understatement. 3 more hours to the next crucial paper, unfair.

Numbed. Again. Of all days. Of all days. Of all days. Of all days today will pass this way. Of all days.

To sell my soul to the devil, which seems like the only way of redemption. To be incinerated into a pile of ashes, for I am a cold, heartless creature, not meant for this world.

Point a gun at my head. Shoot me point blank. I did rather be dead. What’s the point of living? What’s the point? Pain, I don’t feel any of it anymore. Overwhelmed by pain, what’s pain? Just a feeling? No, maybe it’s probably nothing, of no significance, and I know, when there is no more pain, I should be at eternal rest.

When he thought he has figured life our pretty well, like a fearless hyena with it’s comrads pushing forward to the destination. An invincible sheild that surrounds him, provide illusions that just drops without warning. The real world, imagined, is just actually blank with only him and he left. A reckless fellow. A mindless idiot. A selfish fool. A naive moron. A pessimistic sucker. A bastard. Left alone in this over populated world. Straining on resrouces, placing restraints on others. Losing all goals, except for a gun in sight. The marraige of bullet and bastard’s head would seem like a perfect matrimony at this definite moment. Making more sense than an innocent slaughter of animals. An extermination of a person that deserves no respect, a bastard. Nothing short of a bastard among bastards. A bastard. Bastard.

So! It’s been round a week since I haven’t blog, actually it seems more like insufficient time for me to blog. Right now I am eating into my study time. Haha, not so hardworking lah… Except for schooling like mad, I actually been to a camp, a school organised adventure camp. Well firstly, there is no adventure to start with. Probably I have been to many camps already, this is just some sort of recollection of my reminiscence. Honestly I have never seen such a camp so poorly organised, and to top it off, with such poorly trained instructors. As if that’s not enough, I got such a trashy motivational speaker that at the end of the day I did rather drown off the coast of Bintan. Yes, the camp is held at Bintan, which I did rather throw all my money paid for the camp into the ocean on the way to that wretched place. Not that the place is ugly whatsoever, I have such a bad memory of that place that anything associated to it will definitely be dealt with severely. Too bad I didn’t manage to catch the name of the organising company, not that I would like to defame them, I would just like to place a note at the back of my head (which I will never forget about) and remind myself not to ever go for that choice ever in my life if I were given the position to decide. No other camp organiser? No camp! Simple! Why go all the way there to get pissed off. 

Anyway, just glad that I am back, even if the camp was fun, I wont enjoy it either due to personal reasons. I wonder how my secondary school friends are doing, met one of them recently. Well I guess everything should be alright, hopefully. 

`Lying down with the stars above, how I wish you were there. A wish I made, simple and hopefully it will come true, just for you =)