The Change

We read in the papers, listen and watch from the television, that the world is always changing, ever evolving. Changes happen all the time, a few hours ago this morning I changed into my working attire, mundane changes, nothing out of the blue. So what are the changes that can make a huge difference in your life? Losing someone perhaps.

My last post was posted about a year ago, now here I am back again, realizing these changes. Losing someone can be really painful, and it feels as if the world is just surging forward, while you are crippled in a stand still. Some say the world is cruel, that this is a place for the survival of the fittest. Being fit is not the key now, accepting the change, I guess is the only way to move forward.

Looking back, I guess that I have changed a huge lot myself. All I can say is, thanks for accepting me for who I am, and make me change for the better as well. This world is never the same without you. Gazing at the stars last night, I remember how I used to appreciate it. With a starless night greeting my dreary eyes last night, clear sky gets clouded with tears. Appreciate what you have, as you will never know it’s true value till you lost it, I cant say this often enough, and this is the change I am trying to make from now on.

 

~Thank you.

It’s been a while…

Just like the title says, indeed it has been. Perhaps to even the point me having no memory of this place anymore. Not a blog it is, but I would say a place, to type freely, to express freely. Yes, time have passed, weirdly the last post was entered on August the 13th, and I already find myself being very much a slightly changed man. Difference with ideals, perspectives, and assorted forms of tolerance. A better man? I would hope for that. Perhaps writing here will help me achieve that, a sort of drawing an SOS sign on a deserted beach while seeking comfort in knowing that one have left his or her mark on this Earth, untouched by others though shifted by nature.

A changed man I have been, with even interactions with people changing. Very much in the quantity of interaction. Out of an institution, life may be brighter without rules, yet dull without interaction. Friends become people, and memories becomes diluted, stale and perhaps insignificant. I guess this is a big part of life, of everybody’s life. People whom were once best friends are people to avoid. One can retreat like a hermit crab, or one can swing around this urban jungle like a modern Tarzan incarnation. One can choose to wear bling, or a boring grey sweater shuffling around in ancient sneakers, but what difference is there honestly? In this human race, what qualifies a difference among people, be it the rich or the poor, or the different races. I may be indifferent, thought with lesser interactions, but perhaps that’s just me. Indifferent as the sand I have shifted on the beach still lays untouched, indifferent.

Drip by …. drip

People call it an education, its good for you, gives you a job, benefits you by broadening your understanding about this world and giving you new perspectives. It allows you to make friends, make enemies, find love, and if you are lucky, find who you truly are. Like the video ‘Sunscreen’, ‘some people still do not know what they want to do when they are 55 (or something like that)’. Yet here I am, typing away pretending myself to be a person of dense knowledge and wisdom, where Shakespeare words can be in my palette or perhaps with a brush and paint I can recreate Wordsworth’s vision of Mont Blanc. Given enough chances, I may work out a mathematical formula to calculate the chances of yourself blinking your eye during a meeting or lesson.

Many has crossed this line, this line that I am after as well, no doubt time passes like a blink of an eye, yet in the midst of the blink there is no comfort to be felt. Sometimes I may be strong, brace myself for the wave of knowledge to come. Yet this carapace may crumble like melted ice, drip by drip, the sight gets clearer, look closely, you would see nothing. From the studies of English Literature I may be tasked to do some close reading of the text above, yet what is the use? Perhaps the words of dead poets might give rise to some moments of great enlightenment, still what is there to behold? Drip by drip my strength falls away, not something a cup of coffee behind tinted glass can restore. People grow as time passes, while leaves fall and shrink to brown corpses after water is deprived from their very system. Magically flowers bloom after a harsh season of winter.

And me a bee shall go hunt for nectar.

“And this green pastoral landscape, were to me

More dear, both for themselves and for thy sake!”

Stillness.

Its as if the world has stop every single motion, leaving time to freeze, a frost that covers the entire land, just to achieve this stillness. A drop of water will give birth to dozens of ripples, yet at the same time, the image is broken. A single drop with a pernicious touch, for the dark would capsulate what is left of this light. Oh yes, role in the dramatic effect, or maybe I could do the same with the experience of life now.

A strong gust can disturb the leaf-littered pavement, yet at the same time might bring comfort on a temperate day. Rain can wash the muck away from the road, or even wrap you in coldness. Likewise, being suffocated with academia, it can either benefit me or put me out into a temporary narcosis.

Whatever the case is, its been a long while I lay my hands on writing these thoughts out, and apart from the normal and boring “life is all about ups and downs”, hopefully I can perpetuate on. Sitting on a roller coaster, the next segment of the track would probably the 360 degree loop to turn the mind inside out. Nevertheless, with adequate support, the wheels of my coaster is here to hang on tight.

Terminal.

At the airport terminal you will receive passengers or fly off. At the terminal stage of cancer bad things happen to people. At terminal velocity you are traveling as fast as you possibly can due to gravity. Scientifically, terminal alkynes have at least one hydrogen atom bonded to an SP hybridized carbon. Combine these terms together, I am probably at the terminal stage of my life where shit does happen at a very fast rate due to studies in which I have no control as I am attached to the education system and I would very much like to fly off to Japan or something. Maybe I should not be complaining, since holidays are on right now but yet studies are creeping into my life as if I was soil bound to its roots. Piece together all the paper I have from notes that has to be studied and the idea of the amazon being terminated would rationally come to mind. Think about all the words in these notes and the countless hours the bookshop aunty spent by the printing terminal to deliver these materials of academia. Ponder more, and you probably would be terminated.

Insomnia

I see stars on the ceiling, oh, it’s probably a mistake for I have not slip into sleep. A gush of warm air from the fan that serves as a counter-reality as I try to enter sleep in reality. Mistaking the firm sheets of the bed for a soft touch among a carpet of grass. Oh boy, entering sleep can be such a nuisance, for all the sheeps have already crossed the fence, and I get left behind. Perhaps this writing might stir up my dire need of sleep, or maybe pave a way for my thoughts to proceed. Pancakes, or even roti prata may have already been flipped till both sides are burnt, and I am still here flipping about my bed, thinking I should have mine with eggs next morning. If there’s a train to sleep, I did be on my way. Oh blog oh anyone out there, who’s suffering the same way? Oh man oh man, regardless of what I write, I am still here, awake.

Lights out.

The final curtain call, the gradual fading of applause, the gentle lights dimming while darkness fills in, the final ovation. Like light, time has evaded countlessly the grasp I tried to hold onto what I have. Yet with the speed of light, it is all over. A final bead of perspiration wiped away, yet the closing of another chapter. Music dances in the open air, refracted from wall to wall, further and further away, moving like a free child out of reach. Eventually grown, what a mighty man whom I would not have the ability to communicate with. I lay these clubs down, a last touch of the two shimmering platters, the last calls from monstrous cylinders. Packing up my frayed sticks. For music, band, percussion. Drumset. So Long.

what if…

We all have fallen before, be it the physically or mentally, while some make you look pure dumb, others purely hurts like a jackhammer shoved up your butt. Nevertheless, there are always friends, just something that I have never failed to realized even though I may have a smaller social circle than most have. Project work results had been out on Friday, I would say it was a pleasant experience for me, but yet, how have I helped those whom have fallen? A pat on the shoulder? A word of encouragement? By the end of the day, when the dust settles, it may all just be bullshit, but a hand is all one should provide, silently. Humbly.

Yea..

The music goes on, seated comfortable on the couch. People drift pass towards different locations across the window. Cars whiz past on the tarmac, the train stops and pick up again as the sun rises. Coffee on the table and typing this out, just the way I like it!

MG Gundam Astray Red Frame

One of my favorite gundams in this price range!